The Way I Am

The Way I Am

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It has taken me a lot of years to finally make some sense of why I am the way I am.  Unbelievable actually, if you take into account the number of therapists I have seen, as well as the number of so called “psych tests” I have endured, simply because they promised “tell-all” results. In hindsight, had I the focus and ability to sit for long periods, i probably would have stumbled onto the answer myself, just by doing a little research.  (Now I should probably mention I am also ADHD, as well as bi-polar.) Great combo let me tell you!
     Now, I can only speak for myself, as a woman who, allegedly, also has Borderline Personality Disorder; but my life has been anything but boring- even when I am bored. Thanks in part to my raging impulsivity, my blown up emotions, my all or nothing- black & white thinking, my wonderful, memorable, though short lived, platonic friendships with … well, almost everyone I have ever come into contact with, and for the last 13 years, my, at the time; seemingly never ending, bottomless love for one man-(sigh). Passion, romance, violence, sex, and pretty much every other aspect of a toxic, yet lovingly addictive relationship were redefined when he walked into my life. Even now, three years after we parted ways, I have not even looked at a man. The moment our eyes first locked, I was terminally hooked. Also, at that time, redefined, were my boundaries and my self respect.  Love is a wild ride huh?  
     Which brings me to my current topic, my then…situation? As a borderline I tend to perceive and process things a little differently than “normal” folks do.  My emotions run in high gear ALL of the time. Mix in a little black and white thinking, a HUGE fear of abandonment, a bit of a temper at times, a serious impulse control problem, my lovingly toxic ex- relationship,  and up until now no concrete knowledge of why I am the way I am; and you have a recipe for… Disaster? Drama? Passion?  Fun? defiantly NOT boring.  So back to my… situation.
     About 37 months ago my already paranoid “lover” began hearing voices. Seriously.  The icing on the cake is that apparently my voice is the primary voice in his head. The last 4 months of that relationship were, shall I say, a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.  Imagine the most emotionally draining, heart wrenching, gut clenching, experience of your life- now multiply it by a thousand!- Honestly, I do not even have the words to explain what it was like for me- but I will try to lay it out for you, from my perspective.  Until tomorrow- stay breezy.

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