I am adopted.
Now, please, don’t feel bad for me; I don’t. I was only 3 days old when I was placed with my family, so it’s pretty safe to say that I never even met my birth mother. The only information I have been given is that she was very ‘young’. I got this little tidbit of information from a letter I found as a teenager while snooping in my parent’s files. The letter was from the lawyer who handled my adoption. I only bring it up, because as far back as I can remember, adoption has been my chosen crutch for my HUGE fear of being abandoned. In reality, I probably fear being abandoned because so far every single person I have loved or cared about has left me in one way or another. Some by distance in miles, some by distance in their hearts, and some by distance in worlds (they died).
It is my fear of abandonment that has directly influenced many of my life choices over the years. One such choice has been to leave or push away anyone I care about before they can leave or push me away. Needless to say, this was not a life-enhancing decision. Only now, after all of my trial and error experiments, I simply enjoy my time with whoever enters my life. I no longer push people away. At some point, I realized that everyone who has come into my life, all at specific points in time, have done so for a reason. All I know for certain is that every interaction has a role in the tapestry of my life. Even the seemingly insignificant ones. Either they needed me at some point in their life, or I needed them. By choosing to not push people away I opened myself to either learn from or help another through a challenging point in their life. Also by not pushing people away, I have gained a couple of friends that have actually stuck by me through thick and thin, and this is a reward in of itself.
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