I have spent the last few days   brainstorming on what I could blog about that would not only be the bitter, ugly truth about a life changing experience I have personally endured,  but also something that until now i was to ashamed to even consider writing about.  Until i read a quote the other day which said that “a writer is only as good as the amount of honesty and truth he is willing to put out there”. For as long as humans have been around, last words are considered a profound chapter of the humans experience: This next quote is last words, actually they are last words that were never said until now. These words have impacted me in a way that nothing else has. they were written to me yesterday by the best friend I have ever had, oe even hoped to have. I hope to reunite with her soon. I had forgotten what it was like to have a friend who loves me for who I am, and not for what I can give to them or do for them. Reading this brought me to tears. The following messages were written over a four year period.
2010.

2010
*Hey there! How are you? I just moved back to G ville and today I move to my apartment. Keep in touch with me!!

K. Well I’ve tried to keep in touch many times silly. Where are you?

*Right this second I’m at mom’s. My apartment is Caledon Woods on Pelham. You still with your mom?

Yeah, but I was on my way home from sleeping over with a friend last night. I’m on augusta rd.
Call me.

2011
What’s up?!?! I miss you. When are you gonna come see me? My phone is almost out of minutes and I’m broke thats why I haven’t texted you.

I just got your msg. I decided to check my facebook on the computer. I miss you too. I want to come walk. I have no energy anymore and I’m depressed but I want to hang out with you soon. Please.

I am depressed as welll. You need to come visit me! We don’t have to walk.

2012
Hey. You need to NOT put my name down as a reference for anything! I love you and wish you the best, however using my name when you take out a title loan is pretty shitty. My mom is furious that they keep calling her. I don’t live there. That’s not even my name anymore. Please stop this mess. This is the second time you’ve done this and continually cause my mom to worry that I’m getting back in trouble. I’m not, nor do I have any plans to.

*Holly, I just reread the last. message you sent me. I am so sorry. Just reading that makes me feel shame at my behavior back then. You have never been anything but a great friend to me, one of my only actually. I screwed it all up stupidly. I hope and pray one day we can be friends again. Remember Cricket? Dancing in the rain? Country music? Lol.gooid times. I hope you are doing great! Your babies are gorgeous.

2013
I haven’t forgotten anything about you. Ever. I love you dearly. I will always be your friend. Plus that was 3 yrs ago.
I don’t hold grudges.
Plus you saved my life. More than once.
It hurt to see you lose all you had going for you. We all make mistakes though. I’m prime example. I’ve made my share… Lol… Just learn from them and don’t let them hold you back. And don’t let anyone label you because you’ve made mistakes. You’re better than that. I miss you and miss my best friend and sister. I hope you’re getting better. If not, wake the fuck up and stop doing stupid shit! I’d be there for you if you need me, and I’d be there for you to help you fight to get your life back. But I can’t support you if youre still doing the same thing. I had to get away from that life and you need to as well.

2014
*I have spent the last year making huge changes. It’s hard when u don’t even have family support. But I’m doing it. Looking for a rental house now in a goid area. Any ideas? Let me know. Miss u lady.

You’re talented, smart, gorgeous, and funny as hell. You just had a shitty support system, as did I. I’ve been staying w my parents when my son isn’t there. My ex is trying to keep me from him. I understand how hard it is. My parents are the same. I slept in my car for 8 months after requesting divorce bc they were trying to show me tough live in the hopes itd force me to get back together with him.

Then again from Oct to new years. Finally it got so cold my mom said I can stay there as long as mason isn’t there and when I am there I have to leave by 730am so Adam doesn’t see me as well as the neighbors. I don’t get there til 830 pm. So I work 8-8.

2016
*Omg! First. You can stay with me anytime, anywhere. 2. Our parents need to learn that tough love is no love. It’s the lazy, I don’t care way to handle a situation. We should get together. Are you by any chance looking for a safe and stable place to live? I am.
Rent can be up to $1600. And I have 2 dogs. A Yorkie and a Pitt mix I rescued.

*Right now I’m staying on Woodruff 0 staybridge suites. I hope to move asap. I just have to find a place. It needs to be modern, fenced backyard, good area, big master bath and closet. Three bedrooms so. I can turn one into a library.

Why can’t u see mason?

Bc Adam is a cunt asshole

He is just bitter bc I left

My mom honors his wishes over mine.
He is just bitter bc I left .

I’ve been clean for years. Long before I ever met him but he’s vindictive .

*Yeah. I could tell you some stories.

I’m working right now but leaving at 8. Gotta find somewhere to stay tonight. Lol .

When I couldn’t stay there, my mom recommended a shelter so I didn’t freeze to death…

*You can stay with me.

Ok. We can chat later.
Are you clean?

I can’t be around that stuff. I can’t be around that stuff. It was hard to get clean and just not sure I’d be able to stay away.

*I will make sure nothing is around that would tempt u.

You have to get clean Fran.

Your parents won’t always be around and you are so amazing. I watched shit eat away the person I knew and loved

It sucked.

*My parents aren’t around now. I have not seen my sister or dad in years. Mom sends an email occasionally. And now my own son won’t even write me. We were good till mom and ros began telling him God knows what to make him hate me.

*So basically I have myself.

I know the feeling.
I meant be around to take care of Riv though.

But that’s no excuse for not being clean

*RIV is in college now.

I know. I was doing the math the other day….. I remember him with his kanga light and scab from the vacuum right after he was born

It’s scary .
But still avoiding me fussing at you….

No excuses mama. You were my rock. I need you. I need you clean though .

You owe it to yourself , and to Riv.

It’s not too late.

I’ll stay on you bc I love you

Remember dragging me around my by wrist after I ate anything at Applebee’s everyday????

No excuses! I love you!!!
Oreo shakes
Coaching soccer
Matt DeWitt and that whole shitstorm.
Then Mike and Jamie Foster.
Cory
Crushing on that guy. Tracey
Cory married some makeup artist and they have a spa together
Cory dancing!!!

I still tell ppl about the fight in the front yard at 3 am w 15 guys and us
The Christmas party that went wrong

I saw cricket one day when I was driving to a clients house. I couldn’t stop though. He was getting ready to tow someone way out Woodruff Rd.

You’re worth it to me.

Ken and the whole foothills 4×4 gang.
*Chris.
That camping trip.

That guy that stopped up your mom’s bathroom

*Road trips, sitting in my new house. Chris, the one that got away.

Your new house w my cousin. Lol. Even then it wasn’t ever bad. You started slipping away after.

*I didn’t slip away. I always here, we just lost touch.

You slipped away. It killed me to watch.

Whe you started shooting up…. It was bad.

When I got in the car, Betty Davis eyes was on!!!!! Makes me miss you even more. All the monster jam cds

“My mom called at last minute last night saying I could stay. I got super teary 😢 yesterday thinking about you and us. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I let you slip away. I’m sorry I didn’t grab you by the wrist and not let go til you were better. I feel like I let you down when I should have held you up. I’m sorry we have shitty fucking parents who seem to have gotten us more as a status symbol, than to actually love us. It’s not their fault though. It’s their generation and how they were raised. They don’t understand the stuff we’ve gone through. I know your pain to an extent an Di should have been there. I’m here now. I love you and I need you. You were my rock and I need one right now. I need my best friend. I’ve lost everything I have except Emma. I lost it because I chose divorce. My parents were pissed and did the tough love shit and even wrote and affidavit in Adams favor for the divorce so that he got custody… I know how bad it hurts to not feel loved by parents. It sucks. I know what it’s like to wonder if your child has forgotten you. I know why you do what you do. It takes the pain away. I understand. But I need you badly .
I love you no matter what and I’m here for you. No matter what you’ve done, I don’t care, and I’ll never judge you. I know why bc I know the pain they have put you through. So if you need to I get it. Sobriety sucks. I’ll be the 1st to admit that. And ppl who know still treat you like you’re doing shit. It is a daily struggle that I battle. I still have my Adderall .

*I love you lady! I have never had another friend that even came close to you.