ALONE

ALONE

​I am alone, in spite of love,

In spite of all I take and give —

In spite of all your tenderness,

Sometimes I am not glad to live.


I am alone, as though I stood

On the highest peak of the tired gray world,

About me only swirling snow,

Above me, endless space unfurled;


With earth hidden and heaven hidden,

And only my own spirit’s pride

To keep me from the peace of those

Who are not lonely, having died. 

Poet: Sarah Teasdale

I am a SPINSTER.

 It’s time for me to stop lying to myself while living in denial. I am an actual flesh and blood SPINSTER. The only thing im missing is multiple  cats roaming around.  I do, however, have 2 dogs, so that may count.  I never meant for this to happen to me. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I always felt so lucky in love, untill 4 years ago, that is.  I was lucky, really lucky. And really unlucky all at the same time. Confused?  Yea, me to. As I said, I never meant for this to happen to me, and by ‘this’, I mean ‘spinsterhood’.

I was 25 years old the first time we laid eyes on each other. My son was 4.  I had been with my boyfriend for 6 years at this point. Things had gone stale between us, to put it mildly. And by stale, I mean that he spent 18 of every 24 hours, playing dumb games on our stupid Xbox. Good thing that at this point in my life I had my posse to keep me company. Lol. I mean, I had 7 best friends, all guys, and they were all over at my house most of the time, so I was able to overlook my Xbox zombie for a time. 

 I was attempting to paint the trim in my kitchen when he first walked into my house and into my life, for the first time. Now, this part is hard for me to put into words without sounding like a total cheese ball, but I swear it really happened this way. As I said, I was painting trim in my kitchen. That’s when he walked in, followed by his girlfriend. It didn’t matter who else was in the room, because when our eyes met, everyone in the room felt our chemistry, our connection. Especially our respective partners. 

Now I’m not going to go into detail right now about the next decade and a half. The reason I told you this much was simply to explain why I had always felt so lucky in love. Basically, even now, as a self proclaimed SPINSTER, I know that I am lucky still. I personally know people my age who have done nothing but dream of finding a love like I have already experienced. Besides, no one ever said that once you find true love it will last untill the day you die. Well, I take that back. The reason that im a SPINSTER is because I gave my heart to the love of my life, and I can’t find any reason to be with anyone else. Why bother? It would be 2nd best, because you do not get better than I have already had it. You just don’t. So now, you may call me Ms. Spinster. My 2 dogs and I will happily live out our remaining days knowing that Inot only found my true love, I was able to experience that love for over a decade. Even now, single and alone, I am proud to be who I am today because of this. 

Never Grow Up

Never Grow Up

This is  from the perspective of an 11 year old boy.

My mom has taken a temporary vacation to never-never land. Again. She must have been side tracked while caring for all the lost boys, because to me, it feels as if she rarely returns.  When she does visit me, she seems to have morphed herself into Peter Pan  She  never seemed to grow up.

 She’d sneak through my window late at night, linger just long enough to make me believe in fairy tales and happy dreams, then she’d fly away again. When her heart felt lonely or bored, she would return to me.  I’ll never know why she would vanish, nor do I really care, I only needed to know that she would return. The worst thing about being abandoned by a parent is this: you still love them even when they don’t deserve it.


At night, I’d sit on my window-sill looking for the second star to the right, all the while wondering if she was looking too. I was almost a teen when she went away, so doing things such as wishing on pennies made me feel so childish. I wished anyway. I think every person has a small section of their heart designated to their inner child. That way, when something from your innocence as big as your mother suddenly leaving, your inner child awakens and begins to cry.

Unfortunately, in my case, it was a long time before she came back to soothe me, but she did come back.

I had become so obsessed with waiting for her that eventually the ticking of clocks became as painful as crocodile teeth in my skin.

That’s why I never frowned upon hook; it isn’t until you experience pain that you start to realize sometimes the bad guy makes more sense.

 And even after five years I still feel like Wendy, waiting in my bed every night for one last kiss. Reciting how much I believe in fairies and hoping that one day I’ll be able to fly off into the night, to feel my mothers love again.

Posted by Beauty76 using “WordPress” for Android.

A Mom’s Love…a poem

A Mom’s Love…a poem

God’s calling you home, and I must let you go.

I’ll cherish every moment, I want you to know.

You’ve wiped all my tears but just once again,  you’re more than my mother, your my very best friend.

There’s things that I’ll miss, and I will everyday.

I won’t say goodbye, cause I want you to stay. Just know that I love you and we’re never far apart, you’ll be closer than ever cause you’ll live in my heart

So I’ll kiss your cheek, and hold onto your hand; everything happens for a reason, I just wish I’d understand.

Now hold me closer, let me feel your soft touch,

Your the best mom for me, and I will miss you so much.

You are my angel and it’s now time to go fly.

So remember my smile and don’t see me cry.

We’ve had ups and downs of course through he years, but the love you’ve shown me, outweighs all the tears.

I couldn’t be prouder to say you belong to me, we’ll meet again in heaven, just wait and see.



A Letter to My Son – 2

A Letter to My Son – 2

A Letter To My Son

Dear Rivers,image

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I may not have been a perfect mom, but I tried to be. I was only 21 with limited life experience. I gave you my all.

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Years flew by, I fed you and bathed you and clothed you. I bought you lots of leggos, pokemon cards, video games, and toys.

I sang for you, read for you, and taught you all I know. You are my boy, my precious, baby boy~ and in many ways, you always will be.

I woke early, (most of the time) to send you to school. I stroked your forehead and back when you were sick. I always knew when you were not feeling well, because you’d let me do these things. You were never very cuddly when you were well. image

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I paid for heat to keep you warm, and lights to show your way. I stared at you for days and days, after you were born. I didn’t want to miss anything. I adored you.

I kept you safe. I kept you clean. I soothed you when you cried. I let you stay up late and watch TV, or movies in your room.

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We sometimes argued as you grew. You formed opinions of your own. I tried to teach you right from wrong, and how to respect others.

I hugged you and kissed you at least three times, every day. You couldn’t leave for school without my hug and kiss. Remember doing homework after school? Hugging and kissing me goodnight? Reading stories at bedtime?gimage

I tried to right the mistakes my parents made with me, who were, and still are, non-demonstrative. I told you “I love you” constantly; daily, hourly even, always, because I do. I love you. 

I love you!

When you were small, I made up a rhyme about the ‘big moon’. I made it up on the spot, while we were walking in the dark, to distract you, as you were always so active and wiggly. The day came when I wrote down the words, and eventually realized that I think of it and you, every time I see the moon.

I support you in the decisions you make. I encouraged you to be great. When you were thirteen or fourteen and wanted to come home after misbehaving with your friends one night during a sleepover way across town. I listened as you told me what had occured. I told you I’d always be there for you, and it was my bad choices that took me away. I will always be sorry. I can never get the time I missed back again.

I am so very sorry Rivers.
Please find it in your heart to forgive me, so I miss no more of life’s precious moments.

When you started high school, I was not there. I wrapped myself in a blanket, and cried. Wishing things were different. I’m sorry.

I tried to be the best single mother I could be to you, my only child.

I sacrificed many aspects of my life to enhance yours. I did this many times, for many years.

I loved you from the moment I felt you inside my belly, flailing your tiny arms.

When you lost your teeth, I became the Tooth Fairy. I was Santa and the Easter Bunny, too. You never knew, until I told you.

I dressed you up on Halloween, and took you out trick-or-treating, because that’s what good moms do. Do you recall our ritual of checking the candy when we got home, to make sure it was safe? I did everything in my power to protect you.

Each time we had to move from one placeto another, I made endless preparations to ensure a seamless transition. I explained things to you, preparing you the best that I could for what was to come. I wanted you to feel secure. As an adult, I hope you were.

Yet now you pretend not to know me. You did not even want me at your high school graduation. I understood. But it hurt. I forgive you. It was your first outright rejection of me. I hope to never feel that pain again. Please forgive me. I am so very sorry.

At a young age, I taught you to do laundry. You were in charge of socks. You had fun matching them. As you grew, you graduated to face cloths, underwear, and towels. You were a big help, you know. I was surprised when you refused to let me launder your teenage clothes, and was impressed with the excellent care you took, and still take, with your wardrobe. I’ve never seen anyone iron like you! When you trusted me to sew the holes, I felt needed again. I loved those moments, even though I hate sewing!

Because I have eating and weight issues, and have had them all my life, I never wanted you to worry about weight. Ridicule and self-loathing were not things you were going to experience! The healthy habits you formed early on in life have helped you become the strong, young man you are today. Do you still prefer yogurt over ice cream? Apples over potato chips? Granola bars over chocolate bars? I think you do. You go running enough! You do it faithfully, and I’m so proud. You’ve worked long and hard for your muscles, your abs, your rock-hard body, seemingly made of steel.

Remember our little, plastic, red, first-aid kit? My heart swelled when you told me you brought one to the beach and when you went camping (or was it hiking?) with those girls. Your foresight and sensibility astonishes me. Maybe I wasn’t perfect, but I tried hard to be the best single mom I could be. I was still so young when I had you. I was only twice your age once. I was 18 and in pain, physically, when you were forced into this world. I was 35 and in pain, mentally. You I remember, too, how crazy I was. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know I put you through hell.

When you were six and came home with a “D is for Daddy” father’s day card, you questioned me. After our conversation, I questioned you, asking you what you would rather have: a daddy who always yelled and hurt us or a mommy who loved you with all her heart. “I just want you, Mom,” was your response. I’ll never forget that, as long as live. I just want you, son, too. I just want you.

I love, and always will love, you. You’ll be my baby forever, even though you are a grown man now. I hope I will always recognize your face and your voice. A book I read recently about one woman’s struggles with dementia has prompted me to write and share this. It touched me in explicable ways. The book? “I Will Never Forget.”

I want you to know my feelings and thoughts while I can still communicate them. I never want you to wonder how I felt, or have unanswered questions. You are my single-most biggest achievement. I kept us both alive despite a huge lack of money to do so. I may have gambled, done drugs, and a few other things you hate me for, but I did try to be a good mother to you, and for you, as well as a friend. I’m not perfect, but I love you. Please, always remember that.

Don’t forget me, son, when I am gone. Maybe through my writing, I’ll live on.

Now, it’s your turn to be a good son.

Love always,
Mom

Posted by Beauty76 using “WordPress” for Android.

Blame- The Begining

Blame- The Begining

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I am adopted. Now, please, don’t feel bad for me; I don’t. I was only 3 days old when I was placed with my family, so it’s pretty safe to say that I never even met my birth mother.  The only information I have been given is that she was very ‘young’. I got this little tidbit of information from a letter I found as a teenager, while snooping in my parents files. The letter was from the lawyer who handled my adoption. I only bring it up, because as far back as I can remember, adoption has been my chosen crutch for my HUGE fear of being abandoned. In reality, I probably fear being abandoned because so far every single person I have loved or cared about has left me in one way or another.  Some by distance in miles, some by distance in their hearts, and some by distance in worlds (they died).  It is my fear of abandonment that has directly influenced many of my life choices over the years. One such choice, has been to leave or push away anyone I care about before they can leave or push me away. Needless to say, this was not a life-enhancing decision. Only now, after all of my trial and error experiments, I simply enjoy my time with whomever enters my life. I no longer push people away. At some point, I realized that everyone who has come into my life, all at specific points in time, have done so for a reason. All I know for certain, is that every interaction has a role in the tapestry of my life. Even the seemingly insignificant one’s. Either they needed me at some point in there life, or I needed them. By choosing to not push people away I opened myself to either learn from, or help another through a challenging point in their life. Also by not pushing people away I have gained a couple of friends that have actually stuck by me through thick and thin, and this is a reward in of itself.

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Cowboys and Horses

Cowboys and Horses

wp-1452522675284.jpgHave you ever been so tired of living the same day over and over again that you just could not take it any longer?  I suspect we all have, at one time or another. Usually we just take a deep breath, close our eyes for a moment, and pray the feeling will pass.  This is what I do now, all the time.  But there was a day, almost twenty years ago, where I did not just grit my teeth when this feeling hit me.  And thinking back now, i am so grateful I followed my impulse, for if I had not, I would not have my son. I wanted to ride a horse. I just knew, that if I could ride again, all would be right in my world. I was living in Boone NC. I had followed my high school sweetheart there. Remember? The guy I had run away from home for?  He was then attending Appalachian State University, and I had found a job working with traumatically brain-damaged men and women. And in the beginning everything seemed to be working out, then it wasn’t.  I realized that I had grown tired of my 4 year relationship.  Complacent. Boring. Old news. Whatever the case, I broke up with my sweetie, not in anger, I just felt that there was more somewhere. More to see, more to do, more people to meet.  With my break-up over, I went a little bit wild.  I partied. Hard.   But as with most things, this too got old. I think it was a Tuesday, but on this day something felt different.  I woke to an excited feeling.  A feeling that I now know only someone young and naive would explore. I wanted or maybe even needed to ride a horse again. 
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So I did what any young, naïve, almost broke, very manic girl would do~ I packed my life into my 2 door Ford Explorer, overdrafted my checking account as much as the ATM would allow, about $400., and bid Boone NC  a last farewell. Then I was off.  Naturally, I went west.  I needed to ride a horse, and horses were out west-right?  I told myself that I would keep driving until I found a place. So 1328. miles, or about 26 hours later~ I arrived. I was in Canyon Texas at Palo Duro Canyon. At a place called Silver Springs and Six Gun City.  I had finally found a place to ride a horse, and what a place it was!  The sexy cowboy who turned out to be the owners son~ he was a bonus.wp-1452522667837.jpg

The Fallout- Rock Bottom

The Fallout- Rock Bottom

Everyone makes mistakes.”  I swear on all I have that I have heard this statement, literally, thousands of times.  Unfortunately for me, this seemingly forgiving statement was only said to me throughout my, shall we say, ‘younger years.’  During my late 20’s, I clearly remember going through an embarrassingly long period of denial about the seriously messed up state I found my life in. 
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Even now, as I am writing this, I find my self snorting in derision. My very unladylike snort is due to the fact that, even now, that ‘messed up’ time in my 20’s? Well, that was a freaking walk in the park on a warm spring day, compared to my present circumstances, which I am, from here on out, going to refer to as ‘the fallout’. wp-1452460643075.jpg
Now, let me clarify something.  Anytime I say anything on the messed up state my life is currently in, I am not referring to my present living circumstances. I have actually been ‘living’ in a very nice, extended stay hotel however, before the ‘fallout’, i owned my very own, amazing home. Which I resided in with the only real true love of my life my amazing son, also living there was my then boyfriend of 6 years LJ, 2 dogs, 13 cats, 2 chickens (Bessie & Millie), 5 fish tanks, and for a very short time: 2 ducks. But I’m rambling. My point is, ‘the fallout’ is referring to the many friends, job, family, etc. that, due to MY bad choices, decisions, and behaviors I lost. The changes that I am in the process of making, i hope, will help me get back on the road that one day will lead me back to what really matters…so stay tuned readers…cropped-wp-1451993858267.jpg

The Day I Saw My Heart

The Day I Saw My Heart

Since the day he was born, October 1, 1996, my son has been My Heart. It is very strange for me, to see how grown up my son is today. I’m fairly certain that some of you can relate to my suprise on some level, time moves altogether to fast in my opinion. It’s Bittersweet, really.

 
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Regretfully, it has been 5 years since I have been a daily part of his life. I feel like I do not even know him any more, and truthfully, I don’t. This breaks my heart, even more so because it was my choices, that caused my absence. 5 long years since I have been a daily part of his life. Wow. I have to remind myself of this often. 

 

I remember the exact way that I felt, 3 years ago, when I was told he had a girlfriend,- by my mother, nonetheless. A girlfriend. Again, wow. 
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Processing just this, took me about a year. I felt replaced. In my heart and my mind, he was still, and will always be, my little boy. But he is not little anymore.

 

My heart and mind eventually caught up with reality one evening as i was surfing the web. I had checked Facebook dozens of times to see if he had a page, and as always, came up with nothing. Until that night, I had seen images of my son, at family outings and holidays, by looking on my sisters Facebook page. Well, long story short, my son and his lady are both on Instagram! JOY!!! I clearly recall thinking that he is defiantly not a little boy anymore, but a young man. I am so proud of him.

 

As I clicked over to his lady’s page, I was given an even deeper glimpse into his life, and hers- as well as the love they share together. As i gazed upon ‘her’ lovely face for the first time, i realized something. I myself had been in my first relationship, also for three years, at that exact age.

 

Full circle. It would be impossible for me to forget the 4 years I spent with my first love. Like my son’s relationship, we began dating my sophomore year in high school. First love is positively magical! Do you remember yours? I remember everything, but I will save that story for a later post. I hope my son cherishes every second with his lady, because as I said before, time moves altogether to fast. 

 

Stat Tuned Readers! there is much more to come…

Later Gators