Stand Up For Yourself and Don’t Feel Bad About It – http://wp.me/p4dzlW-rvp
I am posting this link because I and quite a few other people that I know van relate to abuse, be it physical, verbal, or sexual. I want to say once again that you are not alone and that there is help for those who choose to seek it out. This is an interesting post on the effects of verbal abuse on the brain. Check it out…
Verbal punches and brain changes – http://wp.me/p4zVL2-dV
Abuse: What It Looks Like, What It Feels Like, and Why You Never Deserve It – http://wp.me/p4dzlW-rws
Riv, I am so proud of you for all you have done so far in life. College! Wow, time flies. I received your email telling me to “try”. I have already made, and will continue to make huge changes in my own life. I feel good about my future, and I am proud of all I have accomplished already. Just curious, but what would cause you to feel that I am not trying?
You truly have no idea how often I have tried to connect with you? See you? Talk to you? Rivers, I have spent years calling you, stopping by mom’s house, praying, and then praying some more. The day I lost you shattered my heart in indescribable ways, and it will not heal until I have you back in my life again. You spoke of a fear of abandonment and problems trusting people in a previous email. Please Rivers, just this once, please try to put yourself in my shoes.
At a time when I, myself, needed the love and support of family, every back was turned, even yours. If I was asked to name one thing that you had learned from me during your first 12 years with me, My answer would be love. I know that you know the love between a mother and son truly has no bounds, it is unconditional. I always have been, and always will be here for you. No matter what. There is nothing you could do that would cause me to turn my back on you. I love you. then, now, forever- No matter what.
I once shared my body with you. Your heart used to beat inside of me, along with my own heart — which probably sounds creepy and weird, but it’s an incredibly primal experience; and it’s a bond I had never felt with anyone, untill you.
Trust me, it is an amazing feeling to be that close to another. The process of letting you go is unfathomable to me, but I promise that I will try. I promise that I’ll let you leave, knowing that I did my best to prepare you for whatever you’ll experience.
Being away from you for the last few years has been heart wrenching as well as eye opening for me. I am so sorry that my choices have led us to this. I vividly remember the love and the bond we once shared with each other. The love is still there and i hope and pray that one day the bond between us will be even stronger than it was before. The years that I have missed are now gone. I don’t want to miss anymore moments that we should have experienced together. We can’t go back, only forward. I hope we can move forward together. If there is one thing i have learned from our time apart, it is how very important family really is. And that in order to remain a family, forgiveness is a necessity. Forgive me my dear son. Please.
Rivers, you are my family, you are the only person in this world that shares my blood, and you are by far my greatest accomplishment. All my love,
Posted by Fran Stone using “WordPress” for Android.
A frozen wind bites into my mortal flesh.
My mind is an utter void at this point.
Vacant of thought and emotion~ save one—
There! Down the path, another figure, a life!
I recognize this person, he has returned!
No! This cannot be. He is only a fond memory.
My life has no room for him. I have lost him.
I turn to walk away, but i am halted by;
rough hands, greeted by moist lips, captured
by green eyes, and led back to our home~
Posted by Fran Stone using “WordPress” for Android.
I have, what one would refer to, as an addictive personality. Now, I know what your first thought upon reading that line was: ‘drugs’. That is correct, but that is only one addiction in, what I have only recently realized, is a list that spans almost 4 decades.
Looking back over my life, I can now see clearly. I have pretty much been addicted to almost EVERYTHING I enjoy, at some time or another. To list a few of my past addictions, they are things like- books, cleaning, running, money, shopping, my ex-boyfriend, playing bass, hair & make-up, food, dieting, etc., etc. Honestly, I could go on and on. Drugs, however, have been the addiction that completely altered my life. Until a few years into my 30’s, the only drug I had ever done, or even thought about doing, was weed. After high school I went to a few Grateful Dead shows with my boyfriend, and weed was everywhere. And I smoked a lot of it back then. The funny thing is, that even now after having done it all, weed still effects me more than any other substance. But what I really want to talk about are the ‘ friends’ that I (and I’m sure others as well), surrounded myself with during the heart of my addiction. I should first note that I am using the term ‘friends’ very loosely. In fact they are anything but. A better name for them would be liars or users. In fact, the ‘ friends’ that I kept were the exact opposite of what an actual, real friend is. They lie about everything, especially if they are supposed to share anything with you. Or if you are upset, trust me, they are only pretending to give a shit. OK. Once a week I get a check. It still blows my mind when I think back to how many ‘ friends’ I would have on the day I got paid. I’m ranting a bit, I know. I just really. wanted to put this out there for any one who might actually be a genuinely nice person, who may have fallen into the wrong scene, do not be fooled. I, myself, have learned the hard way. I allowed myself to be used for everything you can think of for years. Thankfully, I have separated myself from all if the ‘friends’ that used to surround me all of the time. It is a bit lonely now, at times, but i would rather be lonely than used. If you are in this situation now, do everything you can to get out now. Don’t wait until you lose everything that matters to you, like I did, before you realize that you don’t matter to anyone in this lifestyle choice. Addiction is not always unhealthy, but drugs are more than an addiction, they are a lifestyle. A lifestyle that ends in death, jail, or having nothing and no one. Take it from me, it is not worth it.
Posted from WordPress for Android
High school graduation is a day that is supposed to be one of the major mile markers in a person’s life. That’s what I was led to believe. I always just assumed that because it was such an important event, happiness naturally came along with it. Maybe other high school graduates do look back on their graduation day as a happy time, the start of a new chapter in life. I have one picture of that day. Myself along with my mom, dad, and younger sister, all of us smiling. But our smile’s do not cover up the intense, negative emotions of that day.
I graduated from VES, Virginia Episcopal School, a private boarding school in Lynchburg Virginia. I spent my last two years of high school there, and I loved it. It was here that I excelled in sports, did pretty well academically, and, most importantly, it was here that I met Dennis.
My teen years had been spent doing what I assume most teens do, rebelling. Breaking those little rules that until then, most are too scared to break. Virginity was something that I had seen friend after friend losing for years. And it was the one thing that I had held onto. I had decided long ago that I would not just give it away, like an old shirt I once loved. No, it was going to be special.
Dennis and I had begun dating at the start of 11th grade. He never seemed to mind that I always drew the line at heavy petting, and he never pressured me to go any further. I slowly fell in love with him. Not the ‘love’ I see the older couples around me experiencing now, but young love. Love where everything is done together, love that has no secrets. To this day, I have never been as open with anyone as I was with him, so it only seemed natural that I would gift my virginity to him.
In the middle of my senior year, on a sleeping bag I carefully laid out on the floor of a classroom, in the basement of the main building- I gave him my virginity. I was 18 years old, and to this day, that day remains a very special memory. It only brought us closer together, as both lovers and friends. As it happens though, he was caught smoking a cigarette a few months before graduation, and was expelled from school, sent back to his home in Rocky Mount NC. But even with the miles between us, our love burned brightly still.
Graduation day arrived, and along with it my family. The day began as any other, breakfast with my friends, then back to my dorm to dress. I was wearing a beautiful, cream colored outfit that once on, appeared to be a dress, and it sort of was, but with pants. Any way, the ceremony was outside in front of the huge, beautiful, brick main building. There were long fingers of ivy crawling up it on any and all available areas. The contrast of the green ivy against the aged brick was beautiful. Names were called alphabetically. I was an S, so I had taken to doodling in my program. Then the unthinkable happened. About the time the two names before mine were called, a bird decided to shit in my lap! Purple bird shit right on my crotch!!! Then I heard it. They were calling my name, ‘STONE’. I sat, frozen stiff . Again, ‘STONE’. The headmaster was looking around, looking for me. My cheeks burned with embarrassment as I gathered up the area of purple bird shit and with it balled up tightly in my hand I stood and walked quickly to the podium. The headmaster stuck out his hand to shake mine and instead I gave him a half bow and went quickly back to my seat. My friends were all dying laughing now that word had spread about the bird shit. I had thought my day could not possibly get any worse, but I was wrong again.
After the ceremony, I quickly tore off my bird-shit covered, never to be worn again, lovely cream colored dress. My mind was spinning with possible plans for my after graduation parties.
My dad had requested I take a walk with him outside. I have tried for years now to remember what our conversation was about- to no avail. What I do remember of our little ‘chat’, turned out to be the deciding factor in my, until that point, still unconfirmed plans. What I remember is my father clearly saying this; “When you arrive home, I will make your life a living hell.” This is a quote people. Now I can only speak for myself, but there was no way in hell that I was going to go home. Not after my dad had made it so clear to me what awaited me once I get there.
Thankfully my 2 door, dark green, 5 speed Ford Explorer was already on campus because I had driven back after spring break. I loaded up everything that had accumulated in my dorm room over the last two years. Then I hugged my mom and sister tearfully, and told them I would see them later. I hesitantly gave my father a curt nod, jumped in my car and off I went, not to any party, but to the open arms of the man in my life who actually seemed to love me. Or put a different way, I drove away from the man who wanted to effect my life in a, what sounded like, very negative way.
I had done it. Though completely un-planned, I had run away.
Since the day he was born, October 1, 1996, my son has been My Heart. It is very strange for me, to see how grown up my son is today. I’m fairly certain that some of you can relate to my suprise on some level, time moves altogether to fast in my opinion. It’s Bittersweet, really.
Regretfully, it has been 5 years since I have been a daily part of his life. I feel like I do not even know him any more, and truthfully, I don’t. This breaks my heart, even more so because it was my choices, that caused my absence. 5 long years since I have been a daily part of his life. Wow. I have to remind myself of this often.
Processing just this, took me about a year. I felt replaced. In my heart and my mind, he was still, and will always be, my little boy. But he is not little anymore.
My heart and mind eventually caught up with reality one evening as i was surfing the web. I had checked Facebook dozens of times to see if he had a page, and as always, came up with nothing. Until that night, I had seen images of my son, at family outings and holidays, by looking on my sisters Facebook page. Well, long story short, my son and his lady are both on Instagram! JOY!!! I clearly recall thinking that he is defiantly not a little boy anymore, but a young man. I am so proud of him.
As I clicked over to his lady’s page, I was given an even deeper glimpse into his life, and hers- as well as the love they share together. As i gazed upon ‘her’ lovely face for the first time, i realized something. I myself had been in my first relationship, also for three years, at that exact age.
Full circle. It would be impossible for me to forget the 4 years I spent with my first love. Like my son’s relationship, we began dating my sophomore year in high school. First love is positively magical! Do you remember yours? I remember everything, but I will save that story for a later post. I hope my son cherishes every second with his lady, because as I said before, time moves altogether to fast.
Stat Tuned Readers! there is much more to come…
I KNOW NOW THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY WOMAN OUT THERE WHO HAS DEALT (or is dealing with) A LOVER WHO was/is A LITLE TOO CONTROLLING, A LITTLE TO CLOSE- DOES ANYONE FEEL ME? WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT THE PERSON, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE THE CRUSHING WEIGHT OR THE PAIN ANY LONGER? Well I have no idea if there is a right way to handle a situation like this once it reaches that, almost dangerous, level. I do know that my first thought upon feeling that my life was actually in danger, was to have the cops do something. Well, if you do not already know this, there is really nothing they can do, until something actually happens. The danger has to truly become real.
ONCE AGAIN I HAD FOUND
MYSELF IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO DECIDE IF MY HEARTS OPINION WAS BETTER OR WORSE THAN MY MIND’S… IF I WAS BEING HONEST, I KNEW THE END RESULT (if nothing changed) IN MY CASE. SO I’M PUTTING THIS OUT THERE FOR ANY OTHER FEMALES OR MALES WHO MAY ONE DAY BE IN THIS (or a similar) SITUATION. I LOVED THIS MAN SO MUCH, BUT I ALSO KNEW THAT HE HAD BEEN STEALING, LYING, TAKING MY CAR, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF; MY SON HATED HIM- (this fact alone should have solved my problem immediately, but I remember thinking about how if I actually got him to go, I would be all alone. By that point everyone i loved had turned their backs on me) REGARDLESS, THE END RESULT WAS- HE HAD TO GO. ANOTHER BROKEN HEART, (and by that time my heart was already on life- support), BUT I REMEMBER THE FEELING OF SATISFACTION THAT I HAD, KNOWING I HAD MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. (Even though the actual act of getting him away from me was a miracle in itself). LIFE IS SO VERY INTERESTING, THESE CURVE BALLS IT HAS THROWN AT ME. I WOULD SURVIVE, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO MOVE FORWARD. I HOPE WITH ALL OF MY HEART THAT ONE DAY THIS PERSON GAINS CONTROL OF HIS FEELINGS and ACTIONS. I also pray that eventually I, myself, will find love again. Maybe… One day… LATER READERS…
My dilemma was this. It had finally reached a point where I had to ask myself; what the hell is wrong with me? Why had I allowed someone to treat me that badly? My answer,- Either I no longer had any self-respect left, or my HUGE fear of abandonment was even bigger than my pride, and my self respect.
I remember hoping that it was the second one. Fear of abandonment could be worked through. My first answer was much harder to fix.
I loved the same man from January 2005 until 2015. I feel safe saying that it was love at first sight. It truly was. The electric current that ran between us had been positively palpable. Ours had been a, love no matter what, kind of relationship; damn the consequences- in the begining. Later, choosing this ‘love’ was ultimately the reason I lost my son, my friends, my house, my car, my job, my entire world as I knew it:
I was in love. Hopelessly. Pathetically.
But suddenly, he no longer seemed to love me back. This was a problem for me because at that point I had nothing left but him, and anything is better than being all alone, right?
The changes in him had begun slowly. So slowly, in fact, that it is only now, looking back, that I can see the actual progression. His increasing paranoia, being hyper-critical of everything I said and did, his refusal to eat because he claimed I had poisoned it, his covering of mirrors and anything else reflective, taking electronics apart, then trying to put them right again, etc.,etc…
Then the voices in his head decided to get a lot louder, and my hell was officially begun, because up until now, though awful, it was cake compared to dealing with the voices. Apparently, the main voice that he heard was mine, and from his expressions my voice did not say kind things. I remember one day in late September, I said to him; “You are going to let the voices in your head ruin what we have.” Well they already had. I was the only one still holding on.
It was around this time that WE also experienced his first psychotic break. It was, to this day, the most terrifying, horrible night I have ever spent. As well as the most ‘on edge’, I have ever felt. There have been 3 more after that night, to my knowledge. Each more terrifying than the last. He still refused to go get help, choosing instead to blame me for his behavior, for everything. Needless to say life was quite challenging then. More than anything though, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why had I allowed myself to be completely disrespected repeatedly, and until that day ignored it? No more. At that point even I had had enough.
Two nights later I had concluded that I could not take any more emotional abuse; and at 4 am I told him that i had finally realized that I deserved someone better, a LOT better. I told him firmly to get out. He did. He returned later the next afternoon. So I sat in my room, and he sat like a zombie on my couch. What should I do? I remember wondering. Then I did something I had long since forgot how to do, I prayed. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways, because two days later there was a knock on my door. I opened it to see 2 county cops. They had a warrant for his arrest. I believe they saved my life that day. Well, them and the man upstairs.