Presently, I am of an age where I tend to find myself set in my ways. Truth be told, I know what I like, and what I don’t like. Blind dates are definitely on my ‘don’t like’ list. I thought I was done, that I would never have to suffer through yet another awkward, anxiety ridden first date, ever again. Until recently, my heart has only skipped a beat for one man. I always assumed we had forever, and you know what happens when one assumes- shit happens, with a side of mental illness. I tried to hold on to him tighter than Kate held Leo in Titanic, but it was not enough. I lost him, his own mind turned on him, against him. My heart was utterly shattered. It felt as if my whole world had collapsed in on itself.
But I have got off topic, this is about the one that ran away, not the one that faded away.
For two solid years after we parted, I spent a good majority of my time attempting to convince myself that being utterly and completely alone, forever, was actually going to be fun. As a matter of fact, it was during one of these self, self help sessions when ‘he’, quite literally, strolled into my house, and much to my suprise and annoyance, straight into my heart. I soon learned that he was here to visit his cousins, who happen to be my roomate’s. Which is absolutly fine, excecpt for two solid years not a single male had turned my head, and this one had. There was something about him, an arrogance maybe. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but it absolutely terrified me.
I decided to play it quiet and cool, because I had no idea what to do with these new yet unfamiliar feelings, or if he even felt them. We would joke and laugh together more than I even realized at the time, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I willed my heart with every ounce of strength I could muster not to fall for this man. I truly tried, fought tooth and nail actually. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and apparently, mine wanted his.
Strangely, it is as if the closer we got, the more needy and emotionally demanding he became. I would be in my room watching a movie and ask him to join me. He would say he felt that I did not really want him there, and walk out . I could spout examples like this all night long, but I bet you get the point. I sure did. I had red flags popping up all over my heart and mind. Now, a long time ago I would have ignored them, but time teaches, and eventually, even I learn when to walk away.
Turns out, I did not have to, when I walked out on the porch to explain all of this, he simply stood up and disapeared into the darkness. Ran into the darkness truthfully. Another lesson learned. I am not that girl who is clingy, needy, and helpless. Apparently, some men require these qualities from their women. Ladies, please do not pretend to be or do these things to please an undeserving ego. Please be strong. There are plenty of fish in the sea.